The Voices in My Head

My husband begins working full time tomorrow in the career he went to school for after just graduating in May. He is twenty-two. I am incredibly proud of him.

Being thankful for his job and proud of his achievement must be mentioned first because there are so many other thoughts and feelings tugging on my mind’s ear, and while I sift through them I don’t want to forget that I am excited about this new page in our lives.

How is it possible for one small human being to have so many opposing feelings toward one thing? How can I be anxious and peaceful at the same time about what I will do while Nathanael is gone at work all day? How can I even be so selfish as to pout about my own misfortune of having to fill my own time, and why would I choose to italicize that “I” when I’m clearly concerned about myself already; there is no need to emphasize the point.

I don’t have a job lined up for this fall.

This fact freaks me out.

This fact gives me freedom to serve, to learn, to create.

I’m scared to death.

I’m not worried at all.



I

am

a paradox.



Again, I must know: how is it possible to think and feel so differently about one situation? How can so much opposition even fit inside my soul?

The answer is actually quite simple. I have God’s life inside of me, and He is living through me. I also have my sin filled human nature inside of me, and I don’t know how to live except according to that. God’s life lived out of me is like breathing; I don’t achieve it by my own effort, and I don’t fully understand it. My human nature is like breathing; I don’t achieve it by my own effort, and I don’t fully understand it. These two so often disagree, and yet they coexist. Are they mutually exclusive? No way.

Romans 7:15-24 reads: “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

This passage may seem far deeper and more complex than being at peace with not having a job while my husband does or deciding how to fill my time while I wait for my job hunting to hit its mark, and, well, it is. But it’s also the root of the problem. I am at war within myself about how to feel, what to think, what to do, and whether or not I am too petty or if I can justify my bouts of pity-partying with the fact that some BIG life changes are happening.

“I do not do [think, feel, want] the thing I want [to do, think, feel, want], but the very thing I hate [to do, think, feel, want.” I am constantly waging war against myself in matters great and small because of the greater war at hand inside of me and, indeed, throughout the whole world.

God is real. God has a very real enemy.

I want to follow God to the degree of trusting Him to bless me with a teaching job or to lead me on some other path. Sometimes I do trust Him. Those moments are blissful but fleeting. Fleeting because there is a greater battle being fought, and my woes, minor or major, are mere reflections of the fact that satan wants me to crumble and fall. To deny my Savior. To re-commit the original sin of believing satan over believing God. To not trust anything. To scoff at the idea of faith worth clinging to. But God has written His law on the hearts of man, and He wants us to love Him. Because of that, when we are heading any direction other than chasing after God we cannot achieve true peace and rest.

I am terrified at the prospect of filling my time in unexpected ways if I don’t find a job. I dread spending days at home without Nathanael. I even sometimes let myself be afraid that I won’t have a career in the field I spent years be educated for.

Simultaneously, I am peaceful as I wait for my latest teaching credentials to be official. I am at rest with the fact that I can’t apply for a job and be taken seriously until probably after the school year starts. I like the idea letting my Lord fill my time in unexpected ways. I am at peace. I am hopeful.

“For I do not understand my own actions… [I]n my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive… Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

Jesus.

Jesus will.



In the end, satan loses. The real war, the big war, is already won by Jesus Christ.

In this little tiff, I just have to let go of my control and let God be God. It’s what He does best.