Who Am I? - a poem

The following is a poem I wrote titled "Who Am I?" The title is because it's sort of a riddle, so please comment and answer the question after reading! [Also, disclaimer, I don't write poetry very often... So yes please give feedback, but don't be too harsh! ;-)]

Who Am I?

I used to be lean and fit for a fight.

I used to be stretched to my limits, daily.

There was a day I bemoaned my strenuous life,

When I truly believed I would prefer

Endless

Vacation time.

There was a time that I longed to hang a sign on the door,

Stating “gone fishing,” “out to lunch,”

“Do not disturb”

“Back in ten minutes” (or not!).

Any known phrase to make work go away

And give me

My freedom.

When once I trained daily, hourly even,

As if for marathon level competition,

Now I sit

And watch my former glory and strength

Fade into something

Floppy

And sad.

When once I assured myself

I needed a break,

A siesta or nap time—
Give me just one day off!

Now I cannot believe how

Out of shape

I’ve become.

I thought my might was natural, a gift.

Only now do I see the true state of things:

What I thought was innate was, in reality,

Beaten into me

One day after another,

Using drills and seemingly painful techniques.

I whined and complained and took too many water breaks,

Yet despite my best efforts to escape from each workout,

I became rather fit over the years.

But now—Oh! Look at me now!

I cannot begin to describe my despair!

I can’t do what I once came easily,

I’m a disgrace to my name!

A regular sloth.

I’m lazy

And hazy and

Hungry for the past.

Freedom? I ask myself: is it so great?

Freedom! HA!

Is this what I wanted?

To lose my agility,

To bid adieu to my stature, flexibility, and speed?

To shamefully lack the ability to lift

Even the lightest of items

Which, by the way,

Were once

A breeze.

My cry has reversed now;

(The irony kills me!)

I’m begging for exercise,

Something heavy to lift!

Like language, or new skills, or, or, geography!

Give me a challenge,

Let me flex these drooping muscles again!

Let me re-train myself

Before it’s too late.

Before I can’t even remember my name.

Chances are you don’t recognize me;

I’m not sure I do.

So let me inquire, could you remind me, perhaps,

Who am I?

Some Things I've Learned About Being a Christian

 As a person who is trying to follow Christ in my day-to-day living (which often proves surprisingly difficult) there are a few things I've learned recently that I thought I'd share. These are my recent "light-bulb" moments. Maybe those of you reading who are also Christians have already figured these things out, but in my experience I can never be reminded of valuable lessons too many times.

First off, I've finally caught on to the fact that I can tell how good a Bible study or church meeting was by taking note of how irritable I am, particularly with my husband, immediately afterward. Does that sound backwards? I think so. I should be a loving, peaceful, easygoing person after spending time studying the Bible with other Christians, right? Yeah. Probably. But here's the thing: God was not the only unseen power in that Bible study. His enemy was also keeping close watch, and I have noticed that the more genuine, Spirit-filled interaction I have with God and His believers, the harder the enemy works to drag me down, away from God, as soon as I walk away from that safe environment. Countless times I have walked out of a friend's house where we just read the Bible and prayed and laughed and maybe cried together feeling like I am on cloud nine, and by the time I get home to Nathanael I have thought of something he may or may not have done and figured out how either way, if he did it or not, I will be angry with him. How is that fair to him!? It's not. It's called an attack of God's enemy. It's called letting my guard down because I think I'm so safe since I just spent time in His Word. I have learned and am still learning that when I have had an incredibly sweet time with the Lord and with my fellow believers, I need to pray that much more to be guarded from the schemes of the evil one. Life is a war. My heart and my marriage are battlegrounds.

Second, and along similar lines, it dawned on me last night while reading 1st Thessalonians chapter 5 with a few other people that the amount of time I spend by myself needs to be proportional to, or better yet outweighed by, the amount of time I spend reading God's Word and in prayer. Let me explain. I am currently at home by myself for the majority of the day because I'm not certified to teach yet. Maybe it's just my personality, but bad things happen in my heart and mind and relationships when I spend that much time by myself. Pity parties ensue. They get out of hand. I deem myself miserable and my life unfair and can't seem to figure out what God is trying to teach me through this period of--by my account--unreasonable solitude and loneliness. If this description is the sum total of my day, I really should present a warning sign to anyone who has to endure my company come evening. However, if I spend the same amount of time at home but sprinkle times of sitting down to read and pray through the Bible, or read on the phone with a friend, or study a book on a spiritual topic, or sing along with worship music while I do things like fold the laundry, the time I spend with other people is so much more pleasant. When it's just me all day, it really needs to be me and God because the more it's just me, the further away any thought of God becomes with each passing moment, and the more my world becomes all about me me me without a single thought of "I wonder what that person needs today and how I could help him or her."

The bottom line is:
me+time without God = I'm a jerk.
me+time with God = God gets to express Himself through me
me+time with other Christians followed by immediate "me" time = bad news. I'm a jerk.
me+time with other Christians followed by prayer for protection against the enemy's attacks = the devil gets the boot.

And don't all of us who call ourselves Christians really want the devil to get the boot and for God to be expressed? I know I do. How many of us would actually prefer for our pity party and misery to be what's displayed through our day? Not me. Unfortunately, that's the recipe I allow for all too often.

I'm learning.