Nathanael and I recently started listening to an audio
recording of the book Love & War
by John and Stasi Eldredge. As we were driving and listening to part of an
early chapter, the authors introduced the idea of what they call “styles of
relating.” I think I understand the concept now that Nathanael explained it to
me. It boils down to how we each relate to the world around us and to people we
encounter. I think it’s sort of like relational coping mechanisms. Stasi gave
the example that she is a very structured person; structure helps her navigate
her life and the relationships in it. That’s just one piece of her particular
style of relating. Her husband, John, on the other hand is very spontaneous. He
relates to his world in a far less predictable way than his wife does, and that
difference sometimes causes friction in their marriage.
We paused the audiobook to try to figure out our own styles
of relating and how they complement and conflict with each other.
We talked about a lot of things, but one idea that surfaced
during our conversation grabbed our attention for most of the rest of our
drive. We defined it as having different “need thresholds.” Nathanael is way
more independent than I am when it comes to relating to people. Particularly in
our relationship, I’m the needy one. Not needy in a necessarily bad way,
although sometimes I can be that too, but I just need various aspects of our
relationship to be attended to more frequently or in more depth than he does. My
need for conversation, intimacy, fun, romance, etc. often seems to outweigh
his, and we’re both frustrated by that time and again. I think “Why doesn’t he
feel the need to spend time talking about serious things?” or “Does he not
desire or need romance between us?” or “How is he ok with the lack of intimacy
lately when I feel like there’s a huge problem in our marriage?” Meanwhile he
thinks things like “Why is she feeling alone or neglected when we spent so much
quality time together over the past few days?” or “How do I prioritize which of
her needs to meet when I only have so much time?” or “I don’t feel like
something is lacking in our relationship; we have a great marriage. What is she
talking about?”
This realization of our different “need thresholds” was a
revelation to us. I felt like we finally identified a major root of some
ongoing issues we’ve had in our marriage. Nathanael doesn’t need us to pay as
much attention to various areas of our relationship as I do, and that makes me
feel like I’m too needy, so I try to change that, and I end up feeling like
there’s just something wrong with me. Or I feel like he doesn’t need me at all,
which makes us both feel bad, me because I feel unnecessary to what is supposed
to be a partnership, and him because he feels like he is too independent. But
as we talked that day in the car, Nathanael was able to pinpoint and explain to
me that he does need the same things
I do, but as we spend time together fulfilling the recurring needs I have, his
needs are already met along the way. They don’t surface as being unmet because
they’re pretty constantly taken care of. When he said that, my husband spoke
such peace to my soul. He does need me. I am taking care of him. In a weird
way, my being needy actually fulfills a lot of relational needs he has.
And then we
listened further in the book, and discovered that while all of the above is
helpful for us to understand each other, there is something even deeper than
our styles of relating to each other or how needy we each are that we’re often
missing, and that is this truth:
We cannot satisfy
each other.
We are both leaky buckets. No matter how much we pour into
our relationship, we will always be left desiring more, wondering why the
feeling of fulfillment doesn’t last, questioning what’s wrong with us that we
can’t seem to make the other person happy or stay happy ourselves when our
spouse really is putting so much into
the relationship. But it’s not our job to make each other happy. Only God can
truly satisfy all of the cravings of our souls. And that should not cause
disappointment that now my husband is off the hook at trying to take care of
me, but it should cause joy for each of us because the pressure is off to
complete an impossible task. The authors explained that we are all created to
go to Jesus as our source of joy, happiness, completeness, meaning, etc., and
having done that, we can enjoy our marriages so much more because now we have
something other than our imperfect selves to offer.
You may be thinking “Duh, Lizi. Everyone who knows anything
about following Jesus knows He is the only true source of satisfaction.” And
yeah, I knew that too. But I needed to learn it again. And I will probably need
to learn it again later, because I
am, as we all are, a work in progress. And I for one have a long way to go.
In the meantime, I am overjoyed to know that Nathanael and I
both have access to the one Person who can satisfy us. And while we have
differences in what we need from each other for our marriage to work properly,
we both have an equal need to be filled by God, and without addressing that
first we have no way of even hoping to take care of all that other stuff. When
we each go to Christ to fill up our leaky buckets, He is able to give us
something that lasts despite our brokenness: Himself. And with His life in us,
we can actually love each other.
So here’s to a new day of seeking God, not just for myself
but also so that I am not a complete nuisance to my husband :-P
